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Story #19

Jackie is a 22 year-old, Hmong American lesbian from California.

Like everything in my life I was first “awaken” when I was in third grade (roughly 8 or 9 years old). If you know me, you would know that it was a big year for me. It started with the discovery of Santa’s identity, realization that childhood is not like time and space (it has an ending point), and my curiosity for girls. More about me – I was born and raised in San Diego, CA. I have one older sister, two younger brothers, and a set of loving Hmong parents. San Diego has a very small but well connected Hmong community. Our Hmong New Years are still held with sharing free food on a selected date, and we have no entrance fees. Let’s just say that it is so small that I have yet to meet face to face with my first Hmong lesbian or Hmong transgender. Coming from such a small community, I did not want to be the talk of the town. When I was younger  I remembered feeling that God had screwed me over. Besides blaming God, I blamed myself for years over my sexuality.

Coming out – I was around 15. The first person I told was my sister. I told her that I was bisexual (It turns out I was gayer than I expected, I identify myself currently as lesbian). After telling her I came out to my friends and finally the hardest part was my parents. Well, the thought of telling them was not the actual event. My mom thought it was a phase (later on she realized that I was super gay and did not see how she could have missed it, and my dad think it’s a choice). When I was 15 years old I was a very depress. I did not know who I was my purpose in life or if someone would ever love me in this lifetime. I met this little cute Mexican girl and we dated for 2 years before going our separate ways. She taught me important lessons, first and foremost that I could love someone. Secondly, I could be loved by someone. Lastly, the purpose of my life is to be happy and share that happiness with others. Now a days, I am going to work and school full time but I am more hopeful and willing to change for the future. I also dream about owning a nice house, have a nice job, and hopefully come home to a lovely wife. My mom has given up on “it is just a phase you’ll get over it”. My mother has since moved into “I hope you find what you’re looking for, and please stay happy it makes me happy.”

theguardian.com

I honestly don’t know if the Hmong community will be accepting of LGBTQIAs. I have yet to experience the wrath or love from this community. What I do know is my father is the closest thing I can connect with when it comes to Hmong Community. He is very old school and we still practice the traditional afterlife supper. A few months ago, my father has asked/informed me that he would like to see me married to a nice man, have kids, and have someone to take care of me when I’m old. The first few times he has remarkably caught me off guard. How do I tell my father that my sexual interest and desires without coming off too strong? He is the only man in my life I find lovable. I told him that I did not want to be the second wife (like all my aunties), I didn’t want to single-handedly support my “kids”, I didn’t want a deadbeat husband (like most of uncles, cousins, and brother), and that boys didn’t make me happy. I told him of my dreams: I wanted independence, an education, a home, a great job, and a woman to share it with. I cannot believe that I sold him my lesbianism with higher education. My father is all for it. He still thinks it’s a choice but is willing to accept it if I do well in life and he does not have to support me. To this day I think he thinks that by his little girl being a lesbian means he was a bad father.

Like every Hmong American lesbian with internet access – I Google “Hmong Lesbian” and came across the Hmong double lesbian suicide pact. It broke my heart to know that it was the best answers they could come up with. The girls could not overcome the “now moment” and resort to suicide. Other than that I am a part of a Hmong LGBT group on Facebook. Otherwise my association is with more with non-Hmong American LGBT groups and friends.

If I was to fully ever come out over Facebook this is what it would say. Its important because i want to be open with myself and be ready.
For those who don’t know – I guess today is as good as any day to come out as a lesbian 😀
For those who do know yeah I know it’s about time.
Questions I don’t want to hear.
How do you that you are really gay if you never dated a man, how do you know that you won’t like it, and lastly what are the chances of you marrying a guy?
To sum it up for those who won’t get it. I have a question for you! When did you first realize that you were straight and what are the chances of me seeing you marrying someone of the same sex?
I know it is hard to take it in BUT your little Jackie is a little lesbian!

My sexuality is on a need to know basis. I am open to all my friends, and my inner family. I do not flaunt my sexuality at work, because my personal life and professional life are separate. If someone would like to know anything about me, my life is an open book and all they have to do is ask the right questions (portraying to work or life of course – whichever I may classify them under).

o.canada.com

If you’re compelled by Jackie’s story, we invite you (if you identify as Hmong LGBTQQI) to contribute your narrative to our collection and documentation by taking this 5 minute survey: http://tinyurl.com/HmongLGBTQQIStories

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