Fue Chue Vue is a 22 year old male from Wisconsin. He identifies as Homo-flexible and follows the Hmong Shaman religion.
When I was little, I was always curious. I’d check out guys and girls, however, checking out girls got annoying because my older siblings would always say, “Damn! Check out that girl’s ass! Her boobs are so huge!” So in annoyance, I’ve come to understand my female friends better. I can recall them saying that any girl who is my girlfriend is lucky and why can’t guys be more like me. I thought it was funny that they say that. Throughout puberty and middle school, I noticed I started to check out guys even more. At this stage in my life, I began convincing myself that I was bisexual. I was always afraid to tell my friends. One day after school in my 8th grade year, my friend and I were walking down the hall and she was brave enough to tell me that she, herself, identifies as bisexual. I also told her then I was bisexual. That year in middle school, I had the biggest crush on this guy. I checked him out every time I saw him, I almost felt like a creep because I would pretend not to look at him in class, but would sneak a peek every now and then. (It’s not my fault the teacher assigned these seats!) But I was always afraid of my own sexuality because my family always made fun of those who are gay.
Coming out to my family was the hardest part I had to do. My siblings already knew that I was gay, but we just never really talked about it. However, to my surprise, they were all accepting of me coming out. I’ve always been the odd one in the family so it’s not like I can really hold a conversation with them all the time because they all have mutual interests in sports and cars, whereas I don’t. With my sisters, they all live out of town, but they all are very accepting of me, since I’m the youngest too. My relationship with my siblings changed for the better after coming out. It’s been 4 years since I told my siblings, and life is better. Even though I’m gay, I’m still the same brother that I’ve always been.
I first came out to my general group of friends my sophomore year in High School. I already knew that they knew that I’m gay, but I felt like I had to tell them myself in order to have an even stronger bond with them. They were all fine with it. I was still a little sketchy with my guy friends, because I didn’t know how they’d react to me being gay, being that I’m a male as well. I didn’t want them to be weird around me. So I was only out to my friends and not the whole school. It was a little stressful trying to hide my sexuality.
Coming out to my parents was very hard. I felt like I can never be their son unless I tell them that I am gay. I wanted to tell them that they have a gay son and I’m no different than any other parent’s children. But that one that night when I came out to them, they asked, “Are you doing drugs, because all gay people will end up doing drugs or already on drugs? You are going to jail because gay people are bad and jail is a place for them. No one loves you, not even your siblings, in fact they’ve come to us and told us to tell you to stop being gay. The reason why your mom is feeling sick is because you’re gay, and your presence is hurting her spirits. They’d rather have a son who steals and does drugs than a gay son.” It hurts me because my parents are so caring and respected by our cousins and friends, and they always tell me how sweet and nice my parents are. And to hear these words come out of their mouths really killed me on the inside. Something inside me died that night. That night, I almost committed suicide. I almost jumped off the bridge into the river, but at the last minute, I thought of my baby nieces and nephews. How much I mean to them, even at a young age. Then my friends came to my mind and lastly my family. I cried a lot that night and I really needed to cry it out because I’ve built up so much inside that I needed to let go. So even though my parents and I have our differences, I still love them. It’s been almost a year since I’ve told them. My dad, surprisingly, is more accepting of it than my mom. I recall him saying, “Let him do what he wants. Who cares? People are people.” Although she still tries to convince me to be straight, my mom is a little bit more accepting of it now. I found little steps at a time work.
I feel like the Hmong community is half supportive. A lot of the times Hmong people just ignore that I’m gay, or they just brush it off their shoulders. But many Hmong people are scared, especially the ones that hate Hmong LGBTQQI people. I believe it’s because they’re ignorant (not knowledgeable) and unaware of what I have to go through. Of course everyone knows that I’m gay, but have they ever considered how I feel when they make jokes about gay people? They don’t, and that’s something I am really against. They make it seem as if being gay is disgusting or uncomfortable. I feel that the LGBTQQI community fits on the bottom of our Hmong culture and community. I say this because when I came out to my parents, they basically said that being gay is worse than a son who is a drug addict or someone who steals. However, I always keep in mind that we are slowly making our way up and no matter how many times we are hit down, we will always fight for the rights that we have.
I have not read or found any source about Hmong LGBTQQI people before. I’ve had my own struggles and so I can relate to these people, but I don’t think I can apply them to myself. And I say that because our parents, friends, and peers, are not the same people. Everyone has their own reaction. So reading about it, sure it’ll make me more knowledgeable and understand what they went through, but when I think going through it myself, no matter how hard it is, is the best way to learn.
I think meeting new people, whether they are your friend’s friends or family, or just being in different places is one of the hardest things to face because we don’t know how people will react.
Same goes for telling your uncles, aunts, and grandparent. Because they are from an older generation, it’s harder for them to accept it. Of course they know what gay is and what gay people like, but will they accept it? I don’t think so. A lot of times, people have told me that their elders accept LGBTQQI people, only if it is not their own blood. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. But I’m always going to stay true to myself, no matter how hard things get.
I keep in mind to never give up. I’ve given up so many times before and I’ve been so close to death, but being gay should not be a reason to kill your own self. It sucks being feared and looked down upon, but at least at the end of the day, you know that you are true to yourself. Instead of looking to please others, live your own life. Impressing them does nothing. It just makes them see you as weak and vulnerable. So with my final words, I wish you all the best in life and remember you are not alone, we will help each other.
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