Alaska | MidWest Solidarity Movement

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Story #26

Jay Her is a 26 year old Agnostic Buddhist Hmong man who identifies as Gay residing in Alaska.

It was when the first season of Power Rangers came out, so since that was 1993 I must say, I was about 6 years old and remember being completely captivated by the Red Ranger. I liked the Yellow and Pink Ranger’s hair styles and spunkiness, but something about the boy Rangers, especially the Red Ranger just sparked an interest in me. Then they introduced the Green Ranger and I think if I was allowed to plaster my way with posters and such, I totally would!

Although the feeling I remember I had was something interesting, I was too young to fully grasp sexual attraction yet. I remember the feeling of my attention being completely and utterly focused on everything the male rangers were saying and doing… “Yes, That sounds Great!” (I did not know what it even was)… “I want to try those smoothies too” (even though they were flavors I would have never thought of putting together)… “I wish they went to my school…,” “I wished I could record this so I can watch it again…,” “I think that is a great hobby to have” (knowing I’ve tried it before and was never really good at it)…” I guess it was the feeling that everything they said and did were AWESOME, lol.

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But, that never fully translated over to school until I was in 7th grade. I knew I always had butterflies in my stomach when it came to boys at school. I hung out with them just to have their company, but I always wanted to do more of what the girls were doing… that just seemed more fun; other boys were dirty and stuff. Girls were clean and did fun, pretty things… and actually had something to show for it when they were done, not just getting better at an activity the way boys did.

Those were the two pivotal points in my development and my realization from childhood and pre-adolescent years. The rest consists of vetting through emotions, values, religion, societal and cultural stuff, counseling, and the wonderous world of the INTERNET.

I don’t hide it [my sexuality], but I don’t flaunt it too. I tell people when the conversation is relevant, just as I don’t tell everyone my profession, religion, or favorite TV show. If it is relevant to the conversation at hand then we’ll have a dialogue about it. If it’s not, then I don’t feel the necessity to push my facts and lifestyle choices down anyone’s throat. I came out. Not easy; still compromising with some family members, but worth the weight off my shoulders.

My coming out was the first time I questioned religion. I have since been engrossed in the lay study of religion, their origins, the changes throughout the ages, possible motives behind structures and changes, etc. I have always tried and rationalized why certain things are set forth within the religion I grew up in and even tried to rationalize how homosexuality does not fit into the bigger scheme of the universe. It wasn’t until I started looking more into religion and found out that there are other ways of viewing it when the questions started coming up… “If they could be wrong about this, what other things could they be wrong about? Has this always been the case, or did it get changed somewhere along the way because of societal pressure?”

I feel that people are supportive, but just concerned about how I fit into the structure of our Hmong Community. It’s easy when someone says they are “something” that fits into the Cultural Structure of our community… but I don’t think we’ve created a strong enough hold or place for poly-sexuality (more than just heterosexuality) into Structure of our Hmong Culture yet.

Girl, they love it when I make dresses! LOL. They all like me and what I do. The ones who are concerned seem to just bring up some questions related to these bases:

They ask, “What are they (the community) going to think about you?” I just brush this off as an statement of concern or fear that people won’t know how I fit into the Cultural Structure.

They ask, “Who’s going to take care of you when you grow up?” I take this a legitimate concern about my own well being, because throughout many generations, the younger generations would take care of the older generations. So I understand the concern of who is going to take care of me when i get older, because in their mind there are still no alternatives.

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Many have become so dependent on their sexuality as their identity that they’ve forgotten how they can fit into the Hmong community. Through that they slowly disengage with our Hmong community, eventually, to the point where they are no longer familiar with most cultural values. Sometimes they even generalize themselves together, as if saying, it’s all part of the culture that didn’t want me anyways.

I don’t want to continue living a lie. I no longer associate with certain people anymore. I’ve connected with a whole new group of people I’ve never thought I’d be a part of, learned the art of compromising to make relationships with family work, and ultimately am happier with myself with this weight off my shoulders.

If you’re compelled by Jay’s story, we invite you (if you identify as Hmong LGBTQQI) to contribute your narrative to our collection and documentation by taking this 5 minute survey: http://tinyurl.com/HmongLGBTQQIStories

©Linda Her and MidWest Solidarity Movement, 2011 – 2013. All rights reserved. Unauthorized distribution with the intent to sell, use and/or duplication of these images, audio, video, stories, blog posts, and materials on this blog without express and written permission from this blog’s authors and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links as stated by MidWest Solidarity Movement members may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Her and MidWest Solidarity Movement with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Kim Ho – Language of Love. Photo Credit The Voices Project

Story #9

LP is a 24 year-old gay man from Alaska. (LP is not the real name of the person of this story)

I am a late bloomer. I was 18 when I became aware that I was attracted to men. This instance occurred when I had met someone at my workplace, and I knew it was lust at first sight. At that moment, I felt as if the world had stop. Every time I am near or working beside him, I feel as if a sharp knife continually pierces through my heart. I became aware of everything about him, my face, his body, everything. I wanted to touch him, to kiss his lips, to feel his big bugle. I wanted him more than anything. Whenever we talk about girls, I became so arouse thinking of him giving it to me or me giving it to him. It was truly lust. That was my first instance of my own sexual desires and my own consciousness about who I was.

Like most Hmong family, I am very family orientated. My parents and my siblings are my life. If I was to come out, I feel I might lose my entire family or be kicked out of my house. Friends and family members who were on the outside are also my backbone. They have shaped me to become the person that I am today. If I were to reveal that part of me to them, I might lose everything that I had built with them.

I do not know if the Hmong community is supportive of me cause I have not had the chance to engage with the Hmong LGBTQQI community, nor had the chance to come out to them. I think most Hmong LGBTQQI are still silent or have to be silent because of the importance of “family values” in their lives. That is, most of the Hmong youth and those who are part of the older generations that I know are very family-orientated. That means that they are willing to give up their individuality for the betterment of the “family.” As long as “family values” remains unchangeable, and as long as that remains the barrier to coming out, then Hmong LGBTQQI will continue to live in silence. Personally for me, the main issue I face is that there isn’t a Hmong LGBTQQI community where I live. Thus, I do not have any opportunities to know and see any Hmong LGBTQQI faces. And again, the idea of “family value” continues to be a barrier for me because I am the oldest in my family and there are things that are expected of me which does not include coming out or being gay.

There are 3 reasons why I came out. First, I knew that I could not keep my sexuality as a secret for the rest of my life. I did not want to live in loneliness like how I used to be. I had always felt alone for most of my life and if I do not let myself be happy and loved for who I am, I might not want to be alive for much longer. Second, I knew that it would all be okay when I do come out. I am very fortunate and thankful to have a loving and supportive network of outside friends and family that were accepting of me. Last, I want to love and be loved by someone.

It has been 4 years since I first came out and many things did change. No one knew that I was gay because I am not stereo-typically gay, such as being flamboyant. Therefore it came as a shock to many people. It did take some time, but everyone eventually understood why I am the way I am. Like a puzzle, they put everything I had said and done together, and it made sense to them about who I am. I felt that a big burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could begin to express my feelings more truthfully and honestly. In return, my spirit became lighter and happier. I care less about what other think or say about me because I already came out to the people whom I care and hold dearest to my heart already.

It was hard to come out because of the risks that I knew were coming and because of bonds I have made with my family and friends, but it took me a long time to realize that it is those bonds I had that gave me the courage to believe it would be okay and that things can get better. Although I am not out to everyone, I am out to certain people who matter to me and who made me feel safe to be who I am.

If you’re compel by LP’s story, we invite you (if you identify as Hmong LGBTQQI) to contribute your narrative to our collection and documenation by taking this 5 minute survey: http://tinyurl.com/HmongLGBTQQIStories

MidWest Solidarity Movement

Hmong Queer and Trans Power

Category Archives: Alaska

Raising UP Jay’s Lifted Narrative

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